It is amazing the things one will sit through if sufficiently bored in a hotel room. I am writing this not from Melbourne, where I live, but Taipei, where I am spending a much-wanted break. Too tired to go out last night, but not so tired as I would simply go to bed, I fortified my resolve with booze from a local convenience store, found the only English language movie screening on the hotel television, and gave myself up to Jorge Montesi’s 2001 thriller Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal.

Turbulence was a 1997 airplane thriller released by MGM, directed by Robert Butler, and which starred Ray Liotta and Lauren Holly. Turbulence 2 came out direct-to-video two years later from Trimark Pictures, created almost entirely as shelf fodder: a cheaply made generic picture made solely to be available to video store renters looking for a fourth new release to watch in the same week. It clearly made sufficient money for Trimark, because in 2001 they returned with a third film in the series. Third by title anyway: there is literally nothing narratively connecting the three films.

This third film was produced on an even smaller budget than the second, and much of that money was clearly spent on hiring whatever star power Trimark could afford. Technically starring Joe Mantegna, Gabrielle Anwar, Craig Sheffer, and Rutger Hauer, the film instead largely features country singer John Mann and model-turned-actor Monika Schnarre. Jorge Montesi was largely a television director, and not of the highest quality programs either. His resume includes the likes of Andromeda, Mutant X, Relic Hunter, and Queen of Swords.

While producers at Trimark clearly cared about making profitable filler, their focus clearly did not lay in the film’s screenplay. Enter Wade Ferley, a man with more screen credits for the camera and electrical department than for writing, with a premise so ridiculous that it actually helps Turbulence 3 into that beloved – but actually very difficult to attain – category of ‘so bad it’s good’. Here we go.

Shock rocker Slade Craven (Mann) is to give his final heavy metal concert on a specially converted 747 airliner flying from Los Angeles to Toronto. While a select audience of fans will fly along with Craven and his band, the concert will be streamed live over the Internet to an audience of millions. When the plane is unexpectedly hijacked by Satanists, it is up to those in the air and FBI agents on the ground (Mantegna, Anwar) to save the day.

In other words, Turbulence 3 is essentially no-budget glam metal Die Hard. It is Executive Decision if you replaced Kurt Russell with Marilyn Manson. The dialogue is terrible. The performances are at worst incompetent and at best disinterested. Mantegna and Anwar essentially watch the action on computer screens in different buildings; Anwar’s character does not have a reason to exist in the film at all.

And Rutger Hauer? One of the finest actors of his generation flies the plane, sighs occasionally, and listens to classical music. You can see the wry amusement in his body language: he knows he is taking the production for a ride. He is laconically collecting a pay cheque and does not even bother to act.

Despite its subject matter, the film does not really embrace its heavy metal themes. Craven and his band are visibly a non-metal fan’s idea of what such a band would be like. His fans are clearly all Los Angeles extras that turned up to the audition in the best ‘hardcore’ costumes that they could manage.

When John Mann plays Craven in John McClane mode, however, the film becomes an absurd delight. While no one could possibly claim Turbulence 3 was good – honestly, it is barely watchable – there are points during the film that are simply too damned goofy to ignore. I could never in good conscience recommend this film. I would not have watched it if given an alternate choice. And yet… somehow I am simply delighted that this movie exists. It is like watching a car crash, if the cars were filled with clowns. It is like a fire in a fireworks factory: you know it isn’t funny, but you cannot stop snickering at the news footage.